The Abbot’s Notebook for February 28, 2018
My sisters and brothers in Christ,
Blessings to you! Already we are in the Second Week of Lent! Here at Christ in the Desert we have begun to focus on the upcoming Canonical Visitation and then after that, we will focus more on Lent and Holy Week. Although we should have fifty of us at home for the Visitation, there are still others who cannot be here for various reasons.
We have had some more snow and with that snow, another car accident when a group of brothers skidded off our road in a ditch. They were saved from a worse crash by a boulder which stopped them from rolling. Thanks be to God! Always I assure brothers that I don’t like car crashes but would prefer that if there is a crash, the only the car is injured! And so it was. Already our road is clear again and there are no more snow problems on the road, even though we still have snow on the ground.
One of the challenges of Lent is to be faithful to ordinary life. There are many, many stories about saints who struggle to live the ordinary aspects of life and to trust in God. What is important is their struggle. Today, when there is so much focus on instant gratification and pleasure, many of us find the challenge of ordinary existence pretty difficult.
It is important for us to realize that we don’t have to feel good about trying to do the right. We must know that even when we do the right thing and make good decisions and do deeds of goodness, we might not feel very enthused about it at all. So much focus today is about feeling good about things, about being happy with everything.
For most of my life, I have been able to get up in the morning, full of joy and energy and ready to do whatever. Since my illnesses last year, I no longer have that gift. Most morning I just don’t want to get up at all and I have to work at making a decision to get up and begin the day.
For most of my life, I have been able to pray without much difficult at all. Even when I have been distracted, I have been able to struggle and let go of the distractions and focus my heart and my attention on the Lord. That is no longer the case at all. Instead, I find myself with no interest in prayer at all. I find myself not wanting to pray. I find myself cold towards the Lord and not even interested in doing anything about it.
So what am I supposed to do? The challenge is simply to get up and the challenge is simply to give time to prayer, no matter how I feel about it. It is a real purification of the senses and not one that I am enjoying, even though I know that my challenge is to keep on trying.
Sometimes I think of Saint Teresa of Calcutta, who had wonderful conversations with God and a deep awareness of the presence of the Lord in her life—and then it was all taken away, never to return. She remained faithful in her darkness and desolation. Can I do that? I can keep trying to do that.
For myself, there are still occasional glimpses of light and of peace and of joy—but those glimpses are rare now and only help me realize how much my life has changed. At times I wonder if it is all a physical response to the challenges of the last year and then things will eventually return to “normal.” At other times, I recognize how good this present stage is for me, because I have never had to spend a lot of energy trying to be faithful. Instead, God has spoiled me all my life. God still spoils me in the sense that I believe and continue to believe. I recognize that feeling good about things is not necessary.
At times, I am still emotionally fragile as well as lacking my normal energy. If I speak about something sad, I tend to cry very easily. And of course, I was raised in a family where men don’t cry!
We must come to accept ourselves as we are—even while we strive to give ourselves to God and to our neighbors. We must accept ourselves whether we are good or bad, whether we feel good or bad and whether others help us or not. Accepting ourselves as we are and then asking God to show us how to continue to seek His will is at the heart of Lent. We all have emotions and sometimes those emotions don’t support what we know is right. Part of Lent is learning how to seek and do what is right even when our emotions don’t help us. On the other hand, we want to take counsel at times to make sure that what we believe is right is also objectively right. That is why most of us have a confessor and at times a spiritual director.
As always I send my love and prayers for you. I will celebrate Holy Mass once this week for you and your needs and intentions. Please continue to pray for me and for all of the women and men in our communities.
Your brother in the Lord,
Abbot Philip
