The Abbot’s Notebook for October 26, 2016
Blessings to you! I am in Washington State, visiting my two sisters and brother who live here. I visited here in October of 2010 for the funeral of my mother and I have not visited since then. The policy in our community allows a monk to visit his family every two years, but because I travel so much for other reasons, I rarely take the opportunity. Even when my parents were still living, I never took the opportunity to visit them that often and so sometimes the were able to visit the Monastery.
My oldest sister is now 76 and the other sister is 73. My brother who lives here in Washington is a young 68! We grew up mostly in Washington, Oregon and Idaho. So sometimes I joke that we are simply from the Northwest. As the plane was landing in Seattle, I realized how different the landscape here in the Northwest is from where I have lived for forty-two years in the Southwest. There is so much green and so much water here, at least in the western part of Washington and also the western part of Oregon. I grew up mostly in the eastern parts of these states which is much closer to the landscape of New Mexico, at least in the northern part of New Mexico.
Does geography make a difference? Most likely in some ways we are affected by the geography, the climate and the people where we grow up or where we live for significant periods of time. The water and the green landscape here are wonderful—but often there are months with clouds and almost no sunshine. I remember one time when I visited Seattle and saw many advertisements for SAD clinics. I had to ask what that was, because I had never seen such clinics before. SAD means Seasonal Affective Disorder and refers mostly to the depressions that sometimes affect people who live long periods of time without sunlight. Clearly we in New Mexico do not need SAD clinics!
One day during my visit here in Washington, I drove to Oregon and spend an afternoon with some of my former classmates who were gathering for a reunion in Portland, Oregon. Many of us had not seen each other in almost 50 years. Many people do not believe me when I tell them that I am shy and introverted because most of my life I have had to live in a more extroverted way. For me, I have recognized that I can laugh and relate and enjoy being with others, but it takes huge energies. I am much better off when I can be alone and silent and still. So when I come to gathers such as this, on the way I ask myself: why are going to this type of reunion? Often at the last minute, I regret saying “yes” to such invitations! I still enjoy the reunion when I am actually there but often spend a lot of energy because I am nervous inside!
Last week I was reflecting on the vocation of the monk and the necessity of commitment, and comparing that to the commitment of a man and woman in marriage. I continue to think about this comparison because there is such a lack of commitment today, both in marriage and in the religious life. As I continue to reflect, I began to think that the postulancy and novitiate in monastic life can be compared to the stage of serious dating in a relationship between a man and a woman. Serious dating is not yet a commitment but is serious. It is very different from just social dating to have a good time together. It is a time when the young couple serious consider whether than might into a deeper committed relationship but not yet marriage. Men and women who are seriously dating are not yet engaged, yet if they break up it is still a difficult situation for them and they feel the challenge of such a break.
On the other hand, once a man and a woman are engaged, there is a whole different level of commitment. “Engaged to be married” is not the same as being married, but it is a truly serious commitment of a man and a woman to move towards marriage. An engaged couple would not normally ask each other for freedom to date other persons and see what other prospects they have! If an engaged man told his betrothed that he wanted to date another woman and think about another relationship, then usually it is the end of the engagement.
As I thought about this in relationship to monastic commitment, it seemed to me that this is the period of our temporary vows. Sometimes we have allowed brothers in temporary vows to look at other communities without breaking their community to ours. As I reflected on this, I began to think that allowing a monk in temporary vows to visit other communities is probably a violation of commitments and very much like an engaged man asking his betrothed if he could start dating another woman, just in case she might be better. So I am leaning to asking a monk in temporary vows who wants to look at another community simply to leave our life. It seems closer to what should happen. A person in an engaged relationship which has been broken would be truly reluctant to enter into that relationship again—and so also I think that it probably should be the same with a person who has left after being in vows.
Saint Benedict allows the monk who has left his vows to return up to three times, but has some pretty strong penalties involved. For myself, I think that I am often too easy to receive such men back in the community—even though it rarely works out again. My own nature is perhaps too easy to accept bad behavior. This is not about pardon, that part comes really easy for me. It is about testing a relationship to see if such a relationship can really endure and be faithful. Probably most of my life, I have not tested relationships very much and this is a defect of character on my part.
Spiritually, the way that we relate to others is surely a part of our relationship to God. There are plenty of people who are really slow to trust others and there are some who almost never trust others. Then there are those like me, who trust to easily and often without testing. This is not about loving others. We can love others without trusting them. We can even love others whom we know that we cannot trust.
Enough for this week. Thinking and trying to figure out things is always a part of me. But I also recognize that my friends don’t always have as much interest in it as I do. I send you my love and prayers and will celebrate Holy Mass for you and for your needs and intentions. Please pray for me and for all of the women and men of our communities.
Your brother in the Lord,
Abbot Philip
