The Abbot’s Notebook for August 17, 2016
Blessings to you! Another week in my own monastery and at my own desk! This has been a challenging week because of the weather mostly but also with the concern that people be able to arrive for the profession of Brother James Vo Ngoc Duc this past Sunday.
The weather has more or less destroyed our road but we have a wonderful Forest Service, to whom the road actually belongs. The Forest Service arrived the day after a big storm and began to clean up. The next day was not so bad the second day after the storm, another huge storm hit and destroyed new sections of the road. Hopefully now the worst storms of the summer are over. We don’t usually have four or five major rains in one week. Now that we have had that many, I hope there will be no more for the rest of the rainy season.
Brother James Vo came to us about two years ago. He had been a businessman in Vietnam but felt he had a vocation. We were willing to work with him. He has turned out to be a very good monk in our community.
Brother Peter had ear surgery to repair the eardrum, which had been destroyed by many years of ear infections when he was young. We are still waiting to hear about the results. The doctor is convinced that it was a totally successful surgery but we want to be witness when actual hearing returns after so many years.
Father Elizeo Nthalika from Malawi is visiting us for a week. He is a delightful presence in our community.
Brother Justin and Brother Gaétan from the Abbey of Dzogbegan in Togo are studying here in the United States. They have spent two weeks with us, visiting and getting to know the community. We hope that we shall see them again. Their monastery, like ours, belongs to the Subiaco Cassinese Congregation.
At the heart of our spiritual life is the connection with a God who loves us. We may not always feel that love or the presence of God, but God is always connected to us whether we are aware of it or not. And God is always loving us whether we are aware of it or not.
For my own personal journey, it took me a long time to realize that God loves me just as I am. I still have doubts from time to time. I remember at one point on my spiritual journey that I decided that if God did not love me, then this was not a religion which I could love. Even though I don’t make the conditions about reality, I honestly believe that any religious in which God is not presented as loving us, is not worth getting involved in. The more I looked at Scripture and the Catholic Church, the more I could see that God is always loving us.
This awareness of God’s love is the foundation of any relationship with God. We can all understand that if God is presented as negative, then we begin to live our lives in fear of God—but the proper kind of fear. The fear of God handed down to us in Scriptures is a fear based on God’s love for us and our desire not to love that love. It is not a fear of a God who is just waiting to punish us and make go to Hell.
The other day we celebrated the memorial of Saint Jane Frances de Chantal, who gave this spiritual advice to her sisters: “No matter what happens, be gentle with yourself.” We would all probably agree with that about others, but about ourselves not always. But Saint Jane Francis made no distinction. Only when we are convinced that God loves us as we are can we be truly gentle with ourselves. Only when we know that we are loved are we able to respond in love. So the very basis of our spiritual life must be a deep and intimate knowledge that God is love and that God loves me personally.
I found that some days I could believe that God loves me and I could feel it also. Other days, I could only believe but had no feeling about it. And there were days when I seemed to doubt everything. So for me the challenge has been to become consistent and I am much more consistent now. Much more consistent never means that I wake up every day convinced that God loves me just as I am and can also feel that love. It does mean that no matter my feelings when I wake up, I am able to move to a point of belief and begin to live the day from that point of belief.
What sustains me is prayer: being still in God’s presence and letting myself be away that God loves me. Even to this day, I do not take enough time to do that regularly. I seem to confess this almost every time that I make a confession: not enough time with God, not taking the time with God that I need to know His love effectively in my life. But I keep struggling with this challenge. I get caught up in other things and get distracted away from God. How I can be so drawn away from God when I know clearly that He loves me and that I must spend time with Him if I am going to give my life to Him? It seems absurd and yet also it is clear to me that it is not just a decision of intellect. My very heart must be given over to this decision and to living with God. And I seem to be unable to do that consistently all the time. But I keep trying and sometimes it seems there might be some progress.
This is why gentleness is so necessary: that we not lose heart but instead trust that in time God will change us. It is a wonderful less that salvation is from God and not from our own efforts. We need our efforts but without God, our efforts are ultimately not enough. God gives us what we need and when we need it. Waiting for changes in ourselves is a form of trusting in the Lord.
As always I will celebrate Holy Mass for you and for your needs and intentions. Please remember to pray for me and for the sisters and brothers of our communities. I send you my love and prayers.
Your brother in the Lord,
Abbot Philip
